The Onion Essay

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Why, Jolly Old Saint Nick hasn't seen a Yule log this lit in ages!

"' I was really hoping to meet some ladies at Dragon Con for a little of the old horizontal bop,' said Melcher, who has been unwillingly celibate for the last 17 months.

"While the ACLU vehemently disagrees with the idea of Nazis torching this building, the principle of freedom of expression must be supported in all cases.

If we take away these Nazis' right to burn down our headquarters, we take away everyone's right to burn down our headquarters.""From its creation at the hands of a stoned-out-of-his-mind pizzeria employee to its eventual consumption by a group of guys so unbelievably high they didn't even realize they had mistakenly given the delivery driver a $20 tip, this pizza spent its entire existence in a dense cloud of marijuana fumes," said pizza-industry watchdog Roger Dernier, who has been monitoring the link between pizza production and illegal drug use since 1991. He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age.

“I got along great with the old God, but this one gets wrathful over practically nothing.

Frankly, He’s kind of a dick.""I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers...""Season's greetings from your old friend Santa!My, oh, my, only 12 nights left until Christmas Eve!The heart, skin, and secret core are the three concepts attached to the idea of the hunt that humanity is on.They each contribute a vital piece to understanding just why the Onion is suggesting that humanity is flawed when it comes to their pursuit of happiness and finding life’s true meaning.According to the review, authored by Pitchfork editor in chief Ryan Schreiber, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless 'leaves the listener wanting more.'""It's great," said Weebles bassist Gary Gaspart, 22, speaking from the band's practice space in guitarist/vocalist Jonah Thompson's parents' garage. It's all about helping each other out, going to the other bands' shows.We're really building on the Terre Haute Sound in ways that are going to blow it up, and I mean wide.""I am reminded of the words of Voltaire: ' I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,'" Strossen said."If he had been driving just 5 mph faster, or if his parents hadn't had the influence to keep the matter out of court and the endless financial resources to lease a car of the exact same make and model to prevent him from having to face even the relatively trivial humiliation of being taunted by his peers for driving a slightly less expensive vehicle—my God, who knows what could have happened? "He could have died or, worse, been held accountable for his actions.""Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954."Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top.""BOULDER, CO–Shock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally whaling on this one guy."According to the report, sections of the documents — "almost invariably the most crucial passages" — are marred by an indelible black ink that renders the lines impossible to read, due to a top-secret highlighting policy that began at the agency's inception in 1947."According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much.""I knew that if I just prayed hard enough, God would hear me," said the joyful Timmy, surrounded by stuffed animals sent by well-wishing Christians from around the globe, as he sat in the wheelchair to which he will be confined for the rest of his life. I haven't been this happy since before the accident, when I could walk and play with the other children like a normal boy.""Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit.Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?

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